I am not skilled to understand... and I don't really mind.

I have decided that I’m going to start writing shorter blogs, but more often. This is because so stinking much happens to me in a month at UP, it’s difficult to keep up, and I find myself struggling to become inspired, and instead becoming overwhelmed at having to choose something to write about. It’s a blessing, and a curse.

A curse because it’s taken me close to three months to figure it out and finally come to a logical conclusion about my blog frequency. Consequently, there’s been a lot of cool, amazing, God-things that have happened to me that I haven’t been able to share because life’s busy out here and by the time I’ve even thought about writing a blog, some other, amazing or blog-worthy thing has happened!

It’s a blessing that God is doing so much though, because it’s forcing me to pay attention. I’m not always catching the exact relevance of what God shows me or experiences He brings me to, but I’m recognizing them as things from God, which is more than I could have said for myself three months ago. And I’m slowly becoming okay with the fact that I don’t always understand.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says: Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 6:10 says: Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.

Basically, my main habit is overwhelming myself with the need to understand everything God does; Finding a lesson in every second of life. I think all of us do it at some point. Maybe out of a carnal desire for control? I don’t know. But what I constantly fail to understand is that God is gracious and sometimes allows me, with my limited mind, to just sit back and watch Him do incredible things because He wants to dazzle me. I rely on God to get me through my day to day tasks, and He’s slowly teaching me to trust Him that wherever there is a lesson to be learned, He will help me to understand it in HIS time, which is always perfect, duh.

I feel God telling me:

Jade. Relax. I’m God. I do mighty, amazing things in your life every single day. Things you don’t even see. And the things you do see are sometimes just for you to simply know that I am yours, and I am here always and in all ways. You don’t need to know what I’m doing all the time. Your brain doesn’t even have the capacity to understand a portion of what I’m doing in your life, and I made it that way because I want you to trust me. Let go. Not everything has to be a huge life lesson. I love that you are so eager to learn, but you need to know how to wait for me to teach you. I love you very much and I would never teach you as much as you try to learn all at once. I know how panicky you get. Let me dazzle you with my works, and when it’s time to learn something, trust me, I’ll let you know.

Huh, I guess that's pretty much a lesson in itself, isn't it? Haha, God, you're hilarious. :) 

Right now, if you want to pray for me, pray for the health problems I’ve been having. My heartbeat has been irregular for a few weeks so I’ve worn a heart monitor for a week, and will continue to wear it for a week more. I’m not too sure what’s going on, but pray for wisdom for the doctors I suppose, but more that it miraculously goes away because I don’t have time to be sick, haha!

My dentist has informed me that I also need a hasty quadruple wisdom teeth extraction, but I can’t currently afford it at all. Pray for providence. Just that it somehow works out. I know God’s faithful, and we should all praise Him that I literally have NO time to worry about it because anyone who knows me knows that I would worry myself to death about it if I didn’t have so many amazing kiddos to mentor. 

So that’s my life! I still need donors to cover the cost of my time here so if you’re interested in donating any amount at all, follow this link!

http://www.urbanpromise.com/donate/

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove!

Jade

Holy Takeover.

I have never in my whole life seen a group of people more in their element than our Y.M.A.D. (youth making a difference) boys on a basketball court. It was such a blessing to sit and watch them play at the Christian Centre Church this past Friday, and it's stuck on my mind ever since.

Usually, I will drop in on their Friday night basketball games, but not stay long because I'm tired and want to go home and crash, and/or because sweaty pre-teen boys don't typically smell like roses and happiness. But on Friday I got nice and comfy on the sidelines for whatever reason. Amidst the smells and my tired mind urging me to go home, my heart and I plopped down to watch and keep score.

Now, on a regular day of after-school program, the boys are good. They really are. They sometimes don't listen, and I sometimes have to discipline them, and they sometimes get really angry at me for this fact. But I've realized that they are virtually exactly like me at the age of 11 or 12 (my mother and my teachers can surely testify to this). And even like me today when it comes to my relationship with Christ. Beyond all this, in spite of it all, and what the world decides about them because of where they live, I've decided that they are so sweet and good, and I love each and every one of them so much my heart could burst. I feel a bit like the Grinch; I didn't know my heart was that big.

What I saw at basketball that night was incredible. The smiles on these boys' faces were so innocently pure. And in that moment, the hardness of the streets was nowhere to be found in them. The hardness that I'm learning to detect in conversation, and in behaviour. The pride, and some days, the unwillingness to emote beyond a snicker or an annoyed rolling of the eyes. Tonight they were overtly ecstatic! It suddenly dawned on me, "they live for this!" Their passion was contagious, and so a wide smile crept across my face as I began hooting and hollering for each boy.

Then came the Holy takeover. As I observed, overflowing with joy, my spirit began to stir and pray emotionally and intensely before I even had any say in the matter. I could not help it, and I could not stop it, nor did I want to. I prayed:

Father God, win these boys over for Your Kingdom! Keep their hearts close to you, keep them soft and malleable for Your purposes! Jesus, raise them up to become young men on fire for You, and keep them safe and sound from the hardness of the streets. In the name of Jesus, may they become living proof that You are the God of ultimate, intimate redemption, alive even in the dark places! Father, may they know their worth in Your eyes. Would you use me, Lord, as an instrument to show it to them? Let them know through me that they are INFINITELY loved and valued by You. I'm lifting them up to you, Holy God, leaving them in your capable and willing hands. Would you work a miracle in these boys, in their families, in their community, that the City of Toronto, and even the world might know that You are here, hard at work in the hearts of the broken. I praise you they they are here, that we have the opportunity to show them to You. They need you, Jesus, and they are Yours, so I claim victory over their souls in the name of Jesus and give them back to you. And the same goes for me. So be glorified, Lord Jesus. Let Your Glory shine through me, and in your time, through each of these boys as well. Every amen I pray in your tender and tenacious name.

I would ask each of you to pray the same over not just our boys, but all the kids God has brought to UrbanPromise Toronto. I know our God is faithful, and mighty, and has infinitely more in store for our kids than I could ever imagine; Pray earnestly that it would come to pass, and He would claim Jane & Finch for the Kingdom as an example for the world. 

I would also ask you to prayerfully consider supporting me financially during my time here with UrbanPromise. Presently, I'm looking for sponsors to commit to donating $21 a month, and for one-time donations of any size. Truly, every penny helps. So if you feel lead and able to help out, please follow this link to donate. 
http://www.urbanpromise.com/donate/

Thank you kindly for reading my life and upholding me in prayer on this journey. It makes all the difference and means more to me than you know! Stay tuned for my next adventure. :) 

LoveLoveLoveLoveLove

then v.s. now...

When I graduated high school two months ago, it slightly occurred to me that life would change once all was said and done. This is what I thought my life would look like by this point:

• I would be living with my mother and grandmother, able to see my friends and family whenever I wanted.
• I would be working a 9-5ish job, saving money steadily so as to do what I wanted next year.
• Thusly, I would also have money in my pocket to go out, buy things I want, things I need, and other things.
• I would be living in a big house with minimal bugs, friendly neighbours, and 2.5 bathrooms.
• I would be sleeping in a queen size bed in my very own bedroom.
• I would almost never have to cook, grocery shop, and I would have to do minimal cleaning.
• I would have a squeaky-clean bathroom and shower, with amazing water pressure and consistently hot water.
• I would live in a safe, friendly environment with no shootings, stabbings, rapes, or just about anything of that nature.
• My relationship with God would flourish, and I would really grow into my own woman, on my own terms.

But it's funny how God works...

Here's what my life really looks like, two months later.

• I am living in an apartment building with 10 people spread among 3 apartments, all of whom I just met, two weeks ago; I will not often get to see my friends from home, and my family extremely less often than I am used to or would like.
• I am working constantly, planning and (as of tomorrow) executing after-school programs for inner city kids aged 11-14, as well as spending extra bonding time with each of them.
• I am not being paid; only provided a small monthly stipend so as to afford only what I need.
• My apartment has cockroaches. We have some really sweet neighbours, but most are to be avoided for safety reasons. 
• There is also only one washroom. For five women. You do the math.
• I sleep in a twin size bunk bed, on top of a grimy futon couch, sharing my bedroom for the first time in more than ten years.
• I have not had to cook dinner yet (thank you Jesus), but I am solely responsible for feeding myself throughout the day, which is new. Cleaning and grocery shopping are a bigger part of my life now than it has ever been. As it stands, I can't say I'm good at it, or that I enjoy it.
• The bathroom has a lot of roaches hiding in it, and the water comes out of the shower head in a sad little group of drops. And sometimes, we randomly lose hot water.
• I live at Jane and Finch. The most notoriously dangerous neighbourhood in Toronto. There are constant shootings, the most recent of which was right down the road from my building, and ended in the deaths of two boys right around my age. Rapes, muggings, and stabbings are also a regular occurrence here in the "ghetto."
• My relationship with God, even in the past two weeks, has begun to bloom into something bigger and more beautiful than I could try to force on my own time. He's made it abundantly clear to me that I am to grow not into my own woman, but into a woman of Christ, on His terms, and that will always be enough because of His unfathomable love for me.

It goes without saying that I am not at all where I pictured myself to be. One year ago, if somebody told me this is where I would be, I would likely have punched them. But God has formed in me a heart for Him first, and His children next. And He has been faithful in providing me the courage to leap into the great unknown of urban missionary work. To fling myself right into the heart of the ghetto and choose to love and serve every person I encounter. This is scary. The craziest thing I think I have ever done in my life. I'm looking ahead into this following year, and part of me is saying, 'what the heck are you doing?' And the rest of me is ready, willing, and eager. To pour out every ounce of myself into the children to whom God leads me, and to give up all the material things that I thought made me whole, to just completely lean on Him and His providence to get me by. If I have learned one thing in the past year of my life, it is that He is always faithful, although I am not, and that His timing is perfect. My soul is full of joy at the opportunity that He has placed before me, thankful for all the doors that have been opened through UrbanPromise, and I'm hoping that you stick around to see where God leads me over the next 12 months. Thanks for taking the time to check in. :) 

I will write again within the next couple weeks. Tomorrow is the first day of After-school Program, so please pray for safety for the kids and leaders alike, for wisdom and energy for leaders, and just for God to reveal Himself to the city of Toronto through the work He's begun here with UrbanPromise Toronto!