then v.s. now...

When I graduated high school two months ago, it slightly occurred to me that life would change once all was said and done. This is what I thought my life would look like by this point:

• I would be living with my mother and grandmother, able to see my friends and family whenever I wanted.
• I would be working a 9-5ish job, saving money steadily so as to do what I wanted next year.
• Thusly, I would also have money in my pocket to go out, buy things I want, things I need, and other things.
• I would be living in a big house with minimal bugs, friendly neighbours, and 2.5 bathrooms.
• I would be sleeping in a queen size bed in my very own bedroom.
• I would almost never have to cook, grocery shop, and I would have to do minimal cleaning.
• I would have a squeaky-clean bathroom and shower, with amazing water pressure and consistently hot water.
• I would live in a safe, friendly environment with no shootings, stabbings, rapes, or just about anything of that nature.
• My relationship with God would flourish, and I would really grow into my own woman, on my own terms.

But it's funny how God works...

Here's what my life really looks like, two months later.

• I am living in an apartment building with 10 people spread among 3 apartments, all of whom I just met, two weeks ago; I will not often get to see my friends from home, and my family extremely less often than I am used to or would like.
• I am working constantly, planning and (as of tomorrow) executing after-school programs for inner city kids aged 11-14, as well as spending extra bonding time with each of them.
• I am not being paid; only provided a small monthly stipend so as to afford only what I need.
• My apartment has cockroaches. We have some really sweet neighbours, but most are to be avoided for safety reasons. 
• There is also only one washroom. For five women. You do the math.
• I sleep in a twin size bunk bed, on top of a grimy futon couch, sharing my bedroom for the first time in more than ten years.
• I have not had to cook dinner yet (thank you Jesus), but I am solely responsible for feeding myself throughout the day, which is new. Cleaning and grocery shopping are a bigger part of my life now than it has ever been. As it stands, I can't say I'm good at it, or that I enjoy it.
• The bathroom has a lot of roaches hiding in it, and the water comes out of the shower head in a sad little group of drops. And sometimes, we randomly lose hot water.
• I live at Jane and Finch. The most notoriously dangerous neighbourhood in Toronto. There are constant shootings, the most recent of which was right down the road from my building, and ended in the deaths of two boys right around my age. Rapes, muggings, and stabbings are also a regular occurrence here in the "ghetto."
• My relationship with God, even in the past two weeks, has begun to bloom into something bigger and more beautiful than I could try to force on my own time. He's made it abundantly clear to me that I am to grow not into my own woman, but into a woman of Christ, on His terms, and that will always be enough because of His unfathomable love for me.

It goes without saying that I am not at all where I pictured myself to be. One year ago, if somebody told me this is where I would be, I would likely have punched them. But God has formed in me a heart for Him first, and His children next. And He has been faithful in providing me the courage to leap into the great unknown of urban missionary work. To fling myself right into the heart of the ghetto and choose to love and serve every person I encounter. This is scary. The craziest thing I think I have ever done in my life. I'm looking ahead into this following year, and part of me is saying, 'what the heck are you doing?' And the rest of me is ready, willing, and eager. To pour out every ounce of myself into the children to whom God leads me, and to give up all the material things that I thought made me whole, to just completely lean on Him and His providence to get me by. If I have learned one thing in the past year of my life, it is that He is always faithful, although I am not, and that His timing is perfect. My soul is full of joy at the opportunity that He has placed before me, thankful for all the doors that have been opened through UrbanPromise, and I'm hoping that you stick around to see where God leads me over the next 12 months. Thanks for taking the time to check in. :) 

I will write again within the next couple weeks. Tomorrow is the first day of After-school Program, so please pray for safety for the kids and leaders alike, for wisdom and energy for leaders, and just for God to reveal Himself to the city of Toronto through the work He's begun here with UrbanPromise Toronto!