The Exhilarating Tale of George (a must-read!)

Okay guys, I know I said I would blog about my birthday, and march break still needs to be covered, but life has not allowed me to be as diligent as I would like. And something happened this week that you NEEEEEEEED to know about. Hold on on to your socks, people.. Here we go!

We have a 13 year old boy in my program, and he is great. He is hilarious, cool, proudly geeky, and probably smarter than I am. He loves video games and anime, and my understanding is that this is the first year that he has really come out of his shell and participated in Homework Club, and in previous years, has claimed atheism. He was born into a Buddhist home, and decided it was not for him.You would instinctively think that someone so young really doesn't understand what faith or atheism even is, and only says such things for the sake of sounding grown up, but this kid really knows his stuff! Here's where the story gets cool:

During our "Wordup" (bible study) on Thursday afternoon, we had a time where the youth could just ask any questions they had about God, faith, life, Christianity, whatever they wanted. Guess whose hand went up a bajillion and four times? He had really deep questions about who God is and what Christianity is about. As he asked away, my mind flashed back to a week prior, when he asked me out of the blue what I thought of atheists. Thank God for His spirit in me, cause even though I was really rushing at that particular moment, I managed to give what I thought was a decent answer: "I stinkin' love atheists. They're great. God loves 'em, and so do I."

It all suddenly clicked that this is a very important stage in this kid's life. His curiosity is more than just curiosity, it's the Spirit of God moving and stirring in his heart! How exciting it is to be in the room and watch God work! His questions kept coming, and the other leaders and myself kept sharing from the Word and our hearts, until finally we had to go downstairs to the gym. He did not stop asking questions even for a second. As the other youth got numbered off and placed on teams to play an obstacle course race, we kept talking. I asked if he wanted to go play, but he said, "No, I have more questions to ask if that's okay." Well duh, of course it was okay, so we sat on the bench and kept talking. He asked me a lot about what I believe, a lot about the concepts of evil, a lot about other religions. I had to admit that there was a lot I didn't know for sure, but I think he appreciated the honesty, cause he kept asking what I thought, how I felt. All throughout our conversation, I prayed to be completely rid of myself, because on my own, I know I have nothing but evil and lies to share with this boy. I asked God to do all the talking, and I believe that He did. I asked the boy, "what do you believe in?" And he confessed that he didn't know. He said, "It's not that I don't think that there is a God. In fact, I think there is. But I don't know which one I want to believe in. I'm really interested in religion and mythology, but for me to believe in any God, I need proof. There's no proof." I challenged him, "What proof do you want?" He thought carefully for a moment and replied quietly, "I would need a miracle, and for God to show himself.. I don't know how he would do it, but just so I would know for sure it's Him."

My gosh, people, I'm still buzzing from this conversation. It felt like an out of body experience where I was able to clearly process that I was not a part of what was happening. I was only a mouth that God Himself was using to speak to this boy. What a privilege to be a part of such a crucial exchange! We have reached no grand conclusion, this kid and I, but I need you all to be praying so hard for him. If you need a name to pray for, call him George, I guess. I can just feel it, very soon he's gonna come to a crossroads where he needs to make a choice to either give His life to Christ, or not. Pray pray pray pray pray that he makes the right choice! Pray that he would keep asking questions, pray that myself and the other leaders would stay filled with the Spirit that we could give him the answers God has for him. Pray for his miracle to come soon, and for God to show up unmistakably in his life. May truth reign and win George over! The seeds are being planted in abundance, now we have to pray for the life-giving waters of Christ to make them grow! I am so full of hope and anticipation after all of this.

This is a mind boggling-ly exciting time. Watching George get closer and closer to the truth. Helping him find it, but not pushing him towards it; rather, letting him stumble upon the Greatest Treasure himself. If you're a supporter whether through finances or prayer, thank you. This is what your support is going towards. Thank you for being a part of the mission! In my eyes, that one conversation, this one boy makes the whole year worth it. Every bad day, every trial, every time I have wanted to give up and go home, this is what it's all for, what it's all about. Praise God!

If you made it all the way here, congratulations! I applaud you. Thank you for taking the time to read this; I hope it encouraged you and inspired you in some way. The next thing you will read from me will likely be a further call for support, as I am still a fair distance from raising my $7500 for the year.

I love you and am praying for you, as always! If you're from FBCC, I'll be seeing you in a couple weeks for Easter!

Lovelovelovelovelovelove,
Jade

Even if they never change...

Being a missionary is an incredible thing. 

On my first mission trip to Jamaica in 2012, I was amazed by how I left expecting to bless and serve others, yet found my self being poured into more than anything else. That trip was 10 days long. 
Now, having been here serving in Toronto with UrbanPromise for almost six months, I'm all the more amazed at how this stuff really works. In our intern manual, it is advised that we do not come into the community expecting to make great changes during our stay. It says, "In fact, you will invariably learn and grow much more than you give." And it's so true. I can't save or change my kids, I can only love them. And they often do not recognize love for what it is, so I don't get to see big results. Glimmers of hope here and there, but missionary work is really about giving every last ounce of what you have into loving people, and trusting God to do the rest. As much as I want to sometimes, I can't stay here forever and walk alongside my youth for the rest of my life. A year is really a very short time. And I am only one person. The very best I have to give to people is the love of Christ who lives in me. I know it's taken me much more than a year to let his love change me. 
I cannot love people for the sake of results.. For the sake of changing them. I have decided that I am fully committed to loving these youth, my family, my friends, everyone I meet, each and every one just as they are.. even if they never change. If they never choose to love me back or respect me or give their lives over to Christ, or whatever I may secretly expect of people, I need to let it go and just love for the sake of loving. And the same goes for all of us who follow Jesus, whether we are in the mission field or at home around the dinner table. 

Romans 12:9-10 says:  Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Cling to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honouring each other. 

It does not say really change them. It does not say take delight in changing each other or in seeing the results of your work. Love each other, and delight in doing it. Plain and simple.

The amount of work that God has done on my heart so far this year is tremendous. I am being challenged and changed like never before. And this is not an easy process. There are days where I get uncomfortable with the extent to which and the ways in which God is changing me. Sometime it feels like way too much, and I just want to go back home and live my comfortable little life. But I know The Lord has called me to something much higher than comfort. And I can't wait to see how this journey with UrbanPromise changes the trajectory of my life. I can feel that I'm in the fire, being refined into a stronger person than I was in August of 2013. And it is exhausting and exciting all at once! 

If you would like to support me in prayer, here are a few things you can pray about:

I discovered the University Faculty of Dentistry as a place to potentially do my wisdom teeth extraction, as they perform the surgery at a lower rate than private offices. However, I went to a consultation appointment a couple weeks ago and in terms of professional conduct and cleanliness, 'twas not up to par, so I have cancelled my surgery there, and I am now back to square one. Please continue to pray that God would provide a good surgeon and an affordable price (and possibly less pain and bleeding in my mouth while we wait).

Pray for our staff as we plan a 3-day March break camp in Muskoka Woods with youth from camps Freedom, Victory, and Hope. Pray for wisdom, patience, discernment, and divine inspiration through this process!! The camp will be from March 13th-16th. Please also pray for safety during our time there, and that it would be a time of great relationship building and that we would ultimately show kids to Christ.

Thank you for sticking with me! I'm praying love and blessings over you all, as I know you have been faithful in praying for me :) 

Lovelovelovelovelovelove, 
Jade

"Should" is DEADLY.

        I hate the word, "should." It's landed me in so much trouble in my life. The word "should" poisoned my brain into thinking that I had to be a person who was beyond her brokenness. A woman fully recovered from the terrors of addiction and depression, arrived at her life's purpose. A woman totally, firmly grounded in her values, morals, and beliefs. The word "should" convinced me that all the things I once battled and wrestled with were now far behind me... A thing of the past. 

        The most dangerous thing I ever taught myself with the word "should" is how to dress up my brokenness and make it look pretty. I've been caught up in these lies for a long time now. Putting myself under unbearable pressure to be this person whom I am absolutely not. 

        I am in the midst of a painful learning curve in which God is teaching me the reality and severity of my brokenness. Fun, right? Nope. He is washing away all the pretty makeup I put over it, and shining bright,burning lights into the darkest corners of my heart that I never wanted to see. He is letting me experience some things I had hoped that I never, ever would again. Things I probably convinced myself would never experience again because I was "recovered" like I "should" be. I was above and beyond it. 

        I'm learning in a big way that without the Christ who first called me out of my darkness. I am nothing, I have nothing, and I can do nothing. If I'm not clinging to Him with every ounce of my being, I'm not above or beyond anything. I'm learning that I'm not prone or immune to screwing up. 

        But also, nothing I do comes as a surprise to God because His grace through Christ already covered it and paid for it long before I was even born. And beneath the inevitable weight and shame of reaching an impasse of brokenness long-overlooked coming to the end of its rope, He is absolutely flooding me out with grace. Pouring it over me and waiting for me to just take it, and throw way my iron umbrella called shame. Not waiting for me to understand it, and certainly not to deserve it, but just to receive it. To let Him love me, and for me to be freely broken before Him. Not according to what I deserve, but according to how he he gives and how he loves me, which is infinitely.

        I'm learning that I don't even know myself at all, but God does thankfully. 

I'm learning that I have an awful habit of trying to keep it together for the sake of reputation, and trying to be who I "should be for the sake of that reputation rather than being who I am in light of not only my brokenness, but God's abundant grace in my life.
Truth is, folks, I'm super broken, messy, and ugly, and so are you. Outside of Christ, we have no hope, but with Him and only because of him, our futures can still shine brightly on the horizon.

So those are my thoughts this week. I know I said I was gonna blog more often, then fell off the map for a while; sorry about that! I actually am going to blog more often starting..... now. :) 

If you wanna pray for me right now, here are some things I'd like to bring to God:

• Praise God, because I received results from the heart monitor I was wearing for two weeks, and the doctors found nothing wrong with my heart; the palpitations can be attributed to anxiety.
• My wisdom teeth, however, are still a problem. As it stands, it's not looking like I can get them removed at an affordable price until April, maybe even May. I'm in a lot of constant pain and discomfort, so pray for strength, that I will get by until then.
• Also praise God for a new year, a fresh start, and new mercies! Pray for a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit upon the UrbanPromise ministries this year! Pray that this would be a year of revival and victory for the cause of Christ. 

Thanks for your support and love, everyone! I appreciate it more than you could imagine.
Lovelovelovelovelovelove, 
Jade

www.urbanpromise.com/donate  <<still in need of donors and sponsors; please click on through if you're interested!

PS, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year's! 

I am not skilled to understand... and I don't really mind.

I have decided that I’m going to start writing shorter blogs, but more often. This is because so stinking much happens to me in a month at UP, it’s difficult to keep up, and I find myself struggling to become inspired, and instead becoming overwhelmed at having to choose something to write about. It’s a blessing, and a curse.

A curse because it’s taken me close to three months to figure it out and finally come to a logical conclusion about my blog frequency. Consequently, there’s been a lot of cool, amazing, God-things that have happened to me that I haven’t been able to share because life’s busy out here and by the time I’ve even thought about writing a blog, some other, amazing or blog-worthy thing has happened!

It’s a blessing that God is doing so much though, because it’s forcing me to pay attention. I’m not always catching the exact relevance of what God shows me or experiences He brings me to, but I’m recognizing them as things from God, which is more than I could have said for myself three months ago. And I’m slowly becoming okay with the fact that I don’t always understand.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says: Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 6:10 says: Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.

Basically, my main habit is overwhelming myself with the need to understand everything God does; Finding a lesson in every second of life. I think all of us do it at some point. Maybe out of a carnal desire for control? I don’t know. But what I constantly fail to understand is that God is gracious and sometimes allows me, with my limited mind, to just sit back and watch Him do incredible things because He wants to dazzle me. I rely on God to get me through my day to day tasks, and He’s slowly teaching me to trust Him that wherever there is a lesson to be learned, He will help me to understand it in HIS time, which is always perfect, duh.

I feel God telling me:

Jade. Relax. I’m God. I do mighty, amazing things in your life every single day. Things you don’t even see. And the things you do see are sometimes just for you to simply know that I am yours, and I am here always and in all ways. You don’t need to know what I’m doing all the time. Your brain doesn’t even have the capacity to understand a portion of what I’m doing in your life, and I made it that way because I want you to trust me. Let go. Not everything has to be a huge life lesson. I love that you are so eager to learn, but you need to know how to wait for me to teach you. I love you very much and I would never teach you as much as you try to learn all at once. I know how panicky you get. Let me dazzle you with my works, and when it’s time to learn something, trust me, I’ll let you know.

Huh, I guess that's pretty much a lesson in itself, isn't it? Haha, God, you're hilarious. :) 

Right now, if you want to pray for me, pray for the health problems I’ve been having. My heartbeat has been irregular for a few weeks so I’ve worn a heart monitor for a week, and will continue to wear it for a week more. I’m not too sure what’s going on, but pray for wisdom for the doctors I suppose, but more that it miraculously goes away because I don’t have time to be sick, haha!

My dentist has informed me that I also need a hasty quadruple wisdom teeth extraction, but I can’t currently afford it at all. Pray for providence. Just that it somehow works out. I know God’s faithful, and we should all praise Him that I literally have NO time to worry about it because anyone who knows me knows that I would worry myself to death about it if I didn’t have so many amazing kiddos to mentor. 

So that’s my life! I still need donors to cover the cost of my time here so if you’re interested in donating any amount at all, follow this link!

http://www.urbanpromise.com/donate/

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove!

Jade

Holy Takeover.

I have never in my whole life seen a group of people more in their element than our Y.M.A.D. (youth making a difference) boys on a basketball court. It was such a blessing to sit and watch them play at the Christian Centre Church this past Friday, and it's stuck on my mind ever since.

Usually, I will drop in on their Friday night basketball games, but not stay long because I'm tired and want to go home and crash, and/or because sweaty pre-teen boys don't typically smell like roses and happiness. But on Friday I got nice and comfy on the sidelines for whatever reason. Amidst the smells and my tired mind urging me to go home, my heart and I plopped down to watch and keep score.

Now, on a regular day of after-school program, the boys are good. They really are. They sometimes don't listen, and I sometimes have to discipline them, and they sometimes get really angry at me for this fact. But I've realized that they are virtually exactly like me at the age of 11 or 12 (my mother and my teachers can surely testify to this). And even like me today when it comes to my relationship with Christ. Beyond all this, in spite of it all, and what the world decides about them because of where they live, I've decided that they are so sweet and good, and I love each and every one of them so much my heart could burst. I feel a bit like the Grinch; I didn't know my heart was that big.

What I saw at basketball that night was incredible. The smiles on these boys' faces were so innocently pure. And in that moment, the hardness of the streets was nowhere to be found in them. The hardness that I'm learning to detect in conversation, and in behaviour. The pride, and some days, the unwillingness to emote beyond a snicker or an annoyed rolling of the eyes. Tonight they were overtly ecstatic! It suddenly dawned on me, "they live for this!" Their passion was contagious, and so a wide smile crept across my face as I began hooting and hollering for each boy.

Then came the Holy takeover. As I observed, overflowing with joy, my spirit began to stir and pray emotionally and intensely before I even had any say in the matter. I could not help it, and I could not stop it, nor did I want to. I prayed:

Father God, win these boys over for Your Kingdom! Keep their hearts close to you, keep them soft and malleable for Your purposes! Jesus, raise them up to become young men on fire for You, and keep them safe and sound from the hardness of the streets. In the name of Jesus, may they become living proof that You are the God of ultimate, intimate redemption, alive even in the dark places! Father, may they know their worth in Your eyes. Would you use me, Lord, as an instrument to show it to them? Let them know through me that they are INFINITELY loved and valued by You. I'm lifting them up to you, Holy God, leaving them in your capable and willing hands. Would you work a miracle in these boys, in their families, in their community, that the City of Toronto, and even the world might know that You are here, hard at work in the hearts of the broken. I praise you they they are here, that we have the opportunity to show them to You. They need you, Jesus, and they are Yours, so I claim victory over their souls in the name of Jesus and give them back to you. And the same goes for me. So be glorified, Lord Jesus. Let Your Glory shine through me, and in your time, through each of these boys as well. Every amen I pray in your tender and tenacious name.

I would ask each of you to pray the same over not just our boys, but all the kids God has brought to UrbanPromise Toronto. I know our God is faithful, and mighty, and has infinitely more in store for our kids than I could ever imagine; Pray earnestly that it would come to pass, and He would claim Jane & Finch for the Kingdom as an example for the world. 

I would also ask you to prayerfully consider supporting me financially during my time here with UrbanPromise. Presently, I'm looking for sponsors to commit to donating $21 a month, and for one-time donations of any size. Truly, every penny helps. So if you feel lead and able to help out, please follow this link to donate. 
http://www.urbanpromise.com/donate/

Thank you kindly for reading my life and upholding me in prayer on this journey. It makes all the difference and means more to me than you know! Stay tuned for my next adventure. :) 

LoveLoveLoveLoveLove

then v.s. now...

When I graduated high school two months ago, it slightly occurred to me that life would change once all was said and done. This is what I thought my life would look like by this point:

• I would be living with my mother and grandmother, able to see my friends and family whenever I wanted.
• I would be working a 9-5ish job, saving money steadily so as to do what I wanted next year.
• Thusly, I would also have money in my pocket to go out, buy things I want, things I need, and other things.
• I would be living in a big house with minimal bugs, friendly neighbours, and 2.5 bathrooms.
• I would be sleeping in a queen size bed in my very own bedroom.
• I would almost never have to cook, grocery shop, and I would have to do minimal cleaning.
• I would have a squeaky-clean bathroom and shower, with amazing water pressure and consistently hot water.
• I would live in a safe, friendly environment with no shootings, stabbings, rapes, or just about anything of that nature.
• My relationship with God would flourish, and I would really grow into my own woman, on my own terms.

But it's funny how God works...

Here's what my life really looks like, two months later.

• I am living in an apartment building with 10 people spread among 3 apartments, all of whom I just met, two weeks ago; I will not often get to see my friends from home, and my family extremely less often than I am used to or would like.
• I am working constantly, planning and (as of tomorrow) executing after-school programs for inner city kids aged 11-14, as well as spending extra bonding time with each of them.
• I am not being paid; only provided a small monthly stipend so as to afford only what I need.
• My apartment has cockroaches. We have some really sweet neighbours, but most are to be avoided for safety reasons. 
• There is also only one washroom. For five women. You do the math.
• I sleep in a twin size bunk bed, on top of a grimy futon couch, sharing my bedroom for the first time in more than ten years.
• I have not had to cook dinner yet (thank you Jesus), but I am solely responsible for feeding myself throughout the day, which is new. Cleaning and grocery shopping are a bigger part of my life now than it has ever been. As it stands, I can't say I'm good at it, or that I enjoy it.
• The bathroom has a lot of roaches hiding in it, and the water comes out of the shower head in a sad little group of drops. And sometimes, we randomly lose hot water.
• I live at Jane and Finch. The most notoriously dangerous neighbourhood in Toronto. There are constant shootings, the most recent of which was right down the road from my building, and ended in the deaths of two boys right around my age. Rapes, muggings, and stabbings are also a regular occurrence here in the "ghetto."
• My relationship with God, even in the past two weeks, has begun to bloom into something bigger and more beautiful than I could try to force on my own time. He's made it abundantly clear to me that I am to grow not into my own woman, but into a woman of Christ, on His terms, and that will always be enough because of His unfathomable love for me.

It goes without saying that I am not at all where I pictured myself to be. One year ago, if somebody told me this is where I would be, I would likely have punched them. But God has formed in me a heart for Him first, and His children next. And He has been faithful in providing me the courage to leap into the great unknown of urban missionary work. To fling myself right into the heart of the ghetto and choose to love and serve every person I encounter. This is scary. The craziest thing I think I have ever done in my life. I'm looking ahead into this following year, and part of me is saying, 'what the heck are you doing?' And the rest of me is ready, willing, and eager. To pour out every ounce of myself into the children to whom God leads me, and to give up all the material things that I thought made me whole, to just completely lean on Him and His providence to get me by. If I have learned one thing in the past year of my life, it is that He is always faithful, although I am not, and that His timing is perfect. My soul is full of joy at the opportunity that He has placed before me, thankful for all the doors that have been opened through UrbanPromise, and I'm hoping that you stick around to see where God leads me over the next 12 months. Thanks for taking the time to check in. :) 

I will write again within the next couple weeks. Tomorrow is the first day of After-school Program, so please pray for safety for the kids and leaders alike, for wisdom and energy for leaders, and just for God to reveal Himself to the city of Toronto through the work He's begun here with UrbanPromise Toronto!