Even if they never change...

Being a missionary is an incredible thing. 

On my first mission trip to Jamaica in 2012, I was amazed by how I left expecting to bless and serve others, yet found my self being poured into more than anything else. That trip was 10 days long. 
Now, having been here serving in Toronto with UrbanPromise for almost six months, I'm all the more amazed at how this stuff really works. In our intern manual, it is advised that we do not come into the community expecting to make great changes during our stay. It says, "In fact, you will invariably learn and grow much more than you give." And it's so true. I can't save or change my kids, I can only love them. And they often do not recognize love for what it is, so I don't get to see big results. Glimmers of hope here and there, but missionary work is really about giving every last ounce of what you have into loving people, and trusting God to do the rest. As much as I want to sometimes, I can't stay here forever and walk alongside my youth for the rest of my life. A year is really a very short time. And I am only one person. The very best I have to give to people is the love of Christ who lives in me. I know it's taken me much more than a year to let his love change me. 
I cannot love people for the sake of results.. For the sake of changing them. I have decided that I am fully committed to loving these youth, my family, my friends, everyone I meet, each and every one just as they are.. even if they never change. If they never choose to love me back or respect me or give their lives over to Christ, or whatever I may secretly expect of people, I need to let it go and just love for the sake of loving. And the same goes for all of us who follow Jesus, whether we are in the mission field or at home around the dinner table. 

Romans 12:9-10 says:  Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Cling to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honouring each other. 

It does not say really change them. It does not say take delight in changing each other or in seeing the results of your work. Love each other, and delight in doing it. Plain and simple.

The amount of work that God has done on my heart so far this year is tremendous. I am being challenged and changed like never before. And this is not an easy process. There are days where I get uncomfortable with the extent to which and the ways in which God is changing me. Sometime it feels like way too much, and I just want to go back home and live my comfortable little life. But I know The Lord has called me to something much higher than comfort. And I can't wait to see how this journey with UrbanPromise changes the trajectory of my life. I can feel that I'm in the fire, being refined into a stronger person than I was in August of 2013. And it is exhausting and exciting all at once! 

If you would like to support me in prayer, here are a few things you can pray about:

I discovered the University Faculty of Dentistry as a place to potentially do my wisdom teeth extraction, as they perform the surgery at a lower rate than private offices. However, I went to a consultation appointment a couple weeks ago and in terms of professional conduct and cleanliness, 'twas not up to par, so I have cancelled my surgery there, and I am now back to square one. Please continue to pray that God would provide a good surgeon and an affordable price (and possibly less pain and bleeding in my mouth while we wait).

Pray for our staff as we plan a 3-day March break camp in Muskoka Woods with youth from camps Freedom, Victory, and Hope. Pray for wisdom, patience, discernment, and divine inspiration through this process!! The camp will be from March 13th-16th. Please also pray for safety during our time there, and that it would be a time of great relationship building and that we would ultimately show kids to Christ.

Thank you for sticking with me! I'm praying love and blessings over you all, as I know you have been faithful in praying for me :) 

Lovelovelovelovelovelove, 
Jade

I am not skilled to understand... and I don't really mind.

I have decided that I’m going to start writing shorter blogs, but more often. This is because so stinking much happens to me in a month at UP, it’s difficult to keep up, and I find myself struggling to become inspired, and instead becoming overwhelmed at having to choose something to write about. It’s a blessing, and a curse.

A curse because it’s taken me close to three months to figure it out and finally come to a logical conclusion about my blog frequency. Consequently, there’s been a lot of cool, amazing, God-things that have happened to me that I haven’t been able to share because life’s busy out here and by the time I’ve even thought about writing a blog, some other, amazing or blog-worthy thing has happened!

It’s a blessing that God is doing so much though, because it’s forcing me to pay attention. I’m not always catching the exact relevance of what God shows me or experiences He brings me to, but I’m recognizing them as things from God, which is more than I could have said for myself three months ago. And I’m slowly becoming okay with the fact that I don’t always understand.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says: Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 6:10 says: Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.

Basically, my main habit is overwhelming myself with the need to understand everything God does; Finding a lesson in every second of life. I think all of us do it at some point. Maybe out of a carnal desire for control? I don’t know. But what I constantly fail to understand is that God is gracious and sometimes allows me, with my limited mind, to just sit back and watch Him do incredible things because He wants to dazzle me. I rely on God to get me through my day to day tasks, and He’s slowly teaching me to trust Him that wherever there is a lesson to be learned, He will help me to understand it in HIS time, which is always perfect, duh.

I feel God telling me:

Jade. Relax. I’m God. I do mighty, amazing things in your life every single day. Things you don’t even see. And the things you do see are sometimes just for you to simply know that I am yours, and I am here always and in all ways. You don’t need to know what I’m doing all the time. Your brain doesn’t even have the capacity to understand a portion of what I’m doing in your life, and I made it that way because I want you to trust me. Let go. Not everything has to be a huge life lesson. I love that you are so eager to learn, but you need to know how to wait for me to teach you. I love you very much and I would never teach you as much as you try to learn all at once. I know how panicky you get. Let me dazzle you with my works, and when it’s time to learn something, trust me, I’ll let you know.

Huh, I guess that's pretty much a lesson in itself, isn't it? Haha, God, you're hilarious. :) 

Right now, if you want to pray for me, pray for the health problems I’ve been having. My heartbeat has been irregular for a few weeks so I’ve worn a heart monitor for a week, and will continue to wear it for a week more. I’m not too sure what’s going on, but pray for wisdom for the doctors I suppose, but more that it miraculously goes away because I don’t have time to be sick, haha!

My dentist has informed me that I also need a hasty quadruple wisdom teeth extraction, but I can’t currently afford it at all. Pray for providence. Just that it somehow works out. I know God’s faithful, and we should all praise Him that I literally have NO time to worry about it because anyone who knows me knows that I would worry myself to death about it if I didn’t have so many amazing kiddos to mentor. 

So that’s my life! I still need donors to cover the cost of my time here so if you’re interested in donating any amount at all, follow this link!

http://www.urbanpromise.com/donate/

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove!

Jade