Even if they never change...

Being a missionary is an incredible thing. 

On my first mission trip to Jamaica in 2012, I was amazed by how I left expecting to bless and serve others, yet found my self being poured into more than anything else. That trip was 10 days long. 
Now, having been here serving in Toronto with UrbanPromise for almost six months, I'm all the more amazed at how this stuff really works. In our intern manual, it is advised that we do not come into the community expecting to make great changes during our stay. It says, "In fact, you will invariably learn and grow much more than you give." And it's so true. I can't save or change my kids, I can only love them. And they often do not recognize love for what it is, so I don't get to see big results. Glimmers of hope here and there, but missionary work is really about giving every last ounce of what you have into loving people, and trusting God to do the rest. As much as I want to sometimes, I can't stay here forever and walk alongside my youth for the rest of my life. A year is really a very short time. And I am only one person. The very best I have to give to people is the love of Christ who lives in me. I know it's taken me much more than a year to let his love change me. 
I cannot love people for the sake of results.. For the sake of changing them. I have decided that I am fully committed to loving these youth, my family, my friends, everyone I meet, each and every one just as they are.. even if they never change. If they never choose to love me back or respect me or give their lives over to Christ, or whatever I may secretly expect of people, I need to let it go and just love for the sake of loving. And the same goes for all of us who follow Jesus, whether we are in the mission field or at home around the dinner table. 

Romans 12:9-10 says:  Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Cling to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honouring each other. 

It does not say really change them. It does not say take delight in changing each other or in seeing the results of your work. Love each other, and delight in doing it. Plain and simple.

The amount of work that God has done on my heart so far this year is tremendous. I am being challenged and changed like never before. And this is not an easy process. There are days where I get uncomfortable with the extent to which and the ways in which God is changing me. Sometime it feels like way too much, and I just want to go back home and live my comfortable little life. But I know The Lord has called me to something much higher than comfort. And I can't wait to see how this journey with UrbanPromise changes the trajectory of my life. I can feel that I'm in the fire, being refined into a stronger person than I was in August of 2013. And it is exhausting and exciting all at once! 

If you would like to support me in prayer, here are a few things you can pray about:

I discovered the University Faculty of Dentistry as a place to potentially do my wisdom teeth extraction, as they perform the surgery at a lower rate than private offices. However, I went to a consultation appointment a couple weeks ago and in terms of professional conduct and cleanliness, 'twas not up to par, so I have cancelled my surgery there, and I am now back to square one. Please continue to pray that God would provide a good surgeon and an affordable price (and possibly less pain and bleeding in my mouth while we wait).

Pray for our staff as we plan a 3-day March break camp in Muskoka Woods with youth from camps Freedom, Victory, and Hope. Pray for wisdom, patience, discernment, and divine inspiration through this process!! The camp will be from March 13th-16th. Please also pray for safety during our time there, and that it would be a time of great relationship building and that we would ultimately show kids to Christ.

Thank you for sticking with me! I'm praying love and blessings over you all, as I know you have been faithful in praying for me :) 

Lovelovelovelovelovelove, 
Jade

"Should" is DEADLY.

        I hate the word, "should." It's landed me in so much trouble in my life. The word "should" poisoned my brain into thinking that I had to be a person who was beyond her brokenness. A woman fully recovered from the terrors of addiction and depression, arrived at her life's purpose. A woman totally, firmly grounded in her values, morals, and beliefs. The word "should" convinced me that all the things I once battled and wrestled with were now far behind me... A thing of the past. 

        The most dangerous thing I ever taught myself with the word "should" is how to dress up my brokenness and make it look pretty. I've been caught up in these lies for a long time now. Putting myself under unbearable pressure to be this person whom I am absolutely not. 

        I am in the midst of a painful learning curve in which God is teaching me the reality and severity of my brokenness. Fun, right? Nope. He is washing away all the pretty makeup I put over it, and shining bright,burning lights into the darkest corners of my heart that I never wanted to see. He is letting me experience some things I had hoped that I never, ever would again. Things I probably convinced myself would never experience again because I was "recovered" like I "should" be. I was above and beyond it. 

        I'm learning in a big way that without the Christ who first called me out of my darkness. I am nothing, I have nothing, and I can do nothing. If I'm not clinging to Him with every ounce of my being, I'm not above or beyond anything. I'm learning that I'm not prone or immune to screwing up. 

        But also, nothing I do comes as a surprise to God because His grace through Christ already covered it and paid for it long before I was even born. And beneath the inevitable weight and shame of reaching an impasse of brokenness long-overlooked coming to the end of its rope, He is absolutely flooding me out with grace. Pouring it over me and waiting for me to just take it, and throw way my iron umbrella called shame. Not waiting for me to understand it, and certainly not to deserve it, but just to receive it. To let Him love me, and for me to be freely broken before Him. Not according to what I deserve, but according to how he he gives and how he loves me, which is infinitely.

        I'm learning that I don't even know myself at all, but God does thankfully. 

I'm learning that I have an awful habit of trying to keep it together for the sake of reputation, and trying to be who I "should be for the sake of that reputation rather than being who I am in light of not only my brokenness, but God's abundant grace in my life.
Truth is, folks, I'm super broken, messy, and ugly, and so are you. Outside of Christ, we have no hope, but with Him and only because of him, our futures can still shine brightly on the horizon.

So those are my thoughts this week. I know I said I was gonna blog more often, then fell off the map for a while; sorry about that! I actually am going to blog more often starting..... now. :) 

If you wanna pray for me right now, here are some things I'd like to bring to God:

• Praise God, because I received results from the heart monitor I was wearing for two weeks, and the doctors found nothing wrong with my heart; the palpitations can be attributed to anxiety.
• My wisdom teeth, however, are still a problem. As it stands, it's not looking like I can get them removed at an affordable price until April, maybe even May. I'm in a lot of constant pain and discomfort, so pray for strength, that I will get by until then.
• Also praise God for a new year, a fresh start, and new mercies! Pray for a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit upon the UrbanPromise ministries this year! Pray that this would be a year of revival and victory for the cause of Christ. 

Thanks for your support and love, everyone! I appreciate it more than you could imagine.
Lovelovelovelovelovelove, 
Jade

www.urbanpromise.com/donate  <<still in need of donors and sponsors; please click on through if you're interested!

PS, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year's! 

I am not skilled to understand... and I don't really mind.

I have decided that I’m going to start writing shorter blogs, but more often. This is because so stinking much happens to me in a month at UP, it’s difficult to keep up, and I find myself struggling to become inspired, and instead becoming overwhelmed at having to choose something to write about. It’s a blessing, and a curse.

A curse because it’s taken me close to three months to figure it out and finally come to a logical conclusion about my blog frequency. Consequently, there’s been a lot of cool, amazing, God-things that have happened to me that I haven’t been able to share because life’s busy out here and by the time I’ve even thought about writing a blog, some other, amazing or blog-worthy thing has happened!

It’s a blessing that God is doing so much though, because it’s forcing me to pay attention. I’m not always catching the exact relevance of what God shows me or experiences He brings me to, but I’m recognizing them as things from God, which is more than I could have said for myself three months ago. And I’m slowly becoming okay with the fact that I don’t always understand.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says: Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 6:10 says: Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.

Basically, my main habit is overwhelming myself with the need to understand everything God does; Finding a lesson in every second of life. I think all of us do it at some point. Maybe out of a carnal desire for control? I don’t know. But what I constantly fail to understand is that God is gracious and sometimes allows me, with my limited mind, to just sit back and watch Him do incredible things because He wants to dazzle me. I rely on God to get me through my day to day tasks, and He’s slowly teaching me to trust Him that wherever there is a lesson to be learned, He will help me to understand it in HIS time, which is always perfect, duh.

I feel God telling me:

Jade. Relax. I’m God. I do mighty, amazing things in your life every single day. Things you don’t even see. And the things you do see are sometimes just for you to simply know that I am yours, and I am here always and in all ways. You don’t need to know what I’m doing all the time. Your brain doesn’t even have the capacity to understand a portion of what I’m doing in your life, and I made it that way because I want you to trust me. Let go. Not everything has to be a huge life lesson. I love that you are so eager to learn, but you need to know how to wait for me to teach you. I love you very much and I would never teach you as much as you try to learn all at once. I know how panicky you get. Let me dazzle you with my works, and when it’s time to learn something, trust me, I’ll let you know.

Huh, I guess that's pretty much a lesson in itself, isn't it? Haha, God, you're hilarious. :) 

Right now, if you want to pray for me, pray for the health problems I’ve been having. My heartbeat has been irregular for a few weeks so I’ve worn a heart monitor for a week, and will continue to wear it for a week more. I’m not too sure what’s going on, but pray for wisdom for the doctors I suppose, but more that it miraculously goes away because I don’t have time to be sick, haha!

My dentist has informed me that I also need a hasty quadruple wisdom teeth extraction, but I can’t currently afford it at all. Pray for providence. Just that it somehow works out. I know God’s faithful, and we should all praise Him that I literally have NO time to worry about it because anyone who knows me knows that I would worry myself to death about it if I didn’t have so many amazing kiddos to mentor. 

So that’s my life! I still need donors to cover the cost of my time here so if you’re interested in donating any amount at all, follow this link!

http://www.urbanpromise.com/donate/

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove!

Jade