The most dangerous thing I ever taught myself with the word "should" is how to dress up my brokenness and make it look pretty. I've been caught up in these lies for a long time now. Putting myself under unbearable pressure to be this person whom I am absolutely not.
I am in the midst of a painful learning curve in which God is teaching me the reality and severity of my brokenness. Fun, right? Nope. He is washing away all the pretty makeup I put over it, and shining bright,burning lights into the darkest corners of my heart that I never wanted to see. He is letting me experience some things I had hoped that I never, ever would again. Things I probably convinced myself would never experience again because I was "recovered" like I "should" be. I was above and beyond it.
I'm learning in a big way that without the Christ who first called me out of my darkness. I am nothing, I have nothing, and I can do nothing. If I'm not clinging to Him with every ounce of my being, I'm not above or beyond anything. I'm learning that I'm not prone or immune to screwing up.
But also, nothing I do comes as a surprise to God because His grace through Christ already covered it and paid for it long before I was even born. And beneath the inevitable weight and shame of reaching an impasse of brokenness long-overlooked coming to the end of its rope, He is absolutely flooding me out with grace. Pouring it over me and waiting for me to just take it, and throw way my iron umbrella called shame. Not waiting for me to understand it, and certainly not to deserve it, but just to receive it. To let Him love me, and for me to be freely broken before Him. Not according to what I deserve, but according to how he he gives and how he loves me, which is infinitely.
I'm learning that I don't even know myself at all, but God does thankfully.
I'm learning that I have an awful habit of trying to keep it together for the sake of reputation, and trying to be who I "should be for the sake of that reputation rather than being who I am in light of not only my brokenness, but God's abundant grace in my life.
Truth is, folks, I'm super broken, messy, and ugly, and so are you. Outside of Christ, we have no hope, but with Him and only because of him, our futures can still shine brightly on the horizon.
So those are my thoughts this week. I know I said I was gonna blog more often, then fell off the map for a while; sorry about that! I actually am going to blog more often starting..... now. :)
If you wanna pray for me right now, here are some things I'd like to bring to God:
- Praise God, because I received results from the heart monitor I was wearing for two weeks, and the doctors found nothing wrong with my heart; the palpitations can be attributed to anxiety.
- My wisdom teeth, however, are still a problem. As it stands, it's not looking like I can get them removed at an affordable price until April, maybe even May. I'm in a lot of constant pain and discomfort, so pray for strength, that I will get by until then.
- Also praise God for a new year, a fresh start, and new mercies! Pray for a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit upon the UrbanPromise ministries this year! Pray that this would be a year of revival and victory for the cause of Christ.
Thanks for your support and love, everyone! I appreciate it more than you could imagine.
Lovelovelovelovelovelove,
Jade
www.urbanpromise.com/donate <<still in need of donors and sponsors; please click on through if you're interested!
PS, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year's!
